“the doll makes her a pour-over because the metamour doesn’t drink drip.” There is much to seethe at in this article but this right here is some fuckass line in the sand shit
You make some excellent points, especially about polyamory. If it's so extremely difficult that you're in pain all the time, then nonmonogamy isn't for you. Too many people, in my opinion, are ideologically poly, instead of nonmonogamy fitting their personality/relationship. There's nothing wrong with trying something out, but if you need to process for hours up hours (beyond the normal amount of processing that happens within dyads) or do 1000s of hours of self-help, therapy, and workbooks, then maybe reconsider. However, the leftist ideological underpinnings animating so much of nonmonogamy make it a personal/political failure if someone doesn't thrive in that relationship style. Bullshit.
I want to gently suggest that this analysis misses some nuance by not exploring the ways in which lesbian trans women practice polyamory. Ironically, just like Federici and Friedan, it ignores the complexity brought by the lavender menace. I'm devotedly married to a lesbian trans woman. I'm a butch cis bisexual woman. I know a lot of other couples like us (most nonomonog, but some monog), and they don't typically suffer from the same objectification/gender issues when there isn't a cis man involved.
I see these kinds of relationships between queer people every day in my community. While there are also some insanely toxic and dramatic relationships, too. There are lesbian chasers and abusers, too, obviously.
I know many lesbian/bi trans women who identify on the asexuality spectrum (including my wife and my close friend) who are able to maintain extremely fulling relationships that affirm their (lack of) sexual needs through nonmonogamy. Nonmonogamy for them becomes a vehicle for radical self-acceptance after an adolescence of being forced into heterosexual masculine sexual and social roles.
I am my wife's chosen family - as any spouse is - and I relish in my ability to take care of her. My wife comes from a biological family who rely on her for everything and rarely give support back. She is the competent one, so she is required to give give give. I'm happy that I get to be in an interdependent relationship with my wife where I am able to give her what she needs. One of the things that she needed - and told me from the outset of our relationship - was a relationship where she was not responsible for meeting all of my sexual and social needs. Nonmonogamy was something I was also able to give her (even though I wasn't looking for it). It wasn't a mechanism for extracting labor from her.
My close friend - also trans - is literally a double orphan. She was adopted by an older couple who are now both dead. She is not out to her extremely rural conservative extended family. I consider her a non-sexual part of my polycule, which is just another way of saying chosen family. I went to her mom's funeral, because I wanted to and because I wanted to make she her (new at the time) girlfriend (also poly) could go, too. I made sure that we had a bunch of gender affirming friend/girlfriend time in a nearby city after the brutal experience of having to cosplay her dead-self at the funeral. I sold her my condo below the market value in a private sale so she would have a secure place to live.
I will always take care of her. I feel a deep familial tie toward her. It's not because I'm poly, but because I believe in the power of non-biological kinship. Nonmonogamy just provides a more useful framework for inculcating that closeness, more so than the container of friendship.
In fact, my extremely positive experiences in nonmonogamy have provided the clarity that helps me see how the notion of "chosen family" has failed. Since the advent of love marriages, the role of friendship has been diminished. Chosen family through the container of friendship only works if the friendships replace family that was lost to abuse, death, bigotry, immigration, etc. I've been trying for more than a decade to develop deep friendships like the one I have with my college best friend (who I talk to 5-10x/wk on the phone). However, my newer friends - instead of deepening our relationship - would marginalize me over time, usually because their obligations to bio family increase as they move through the life stages (or as I call it, "The Escalator of Heterosexual Achievement"). Chosen family probably also worked for queer people of an older generation because they were also denied the nuclear family.
I met my other serious partner (also trans, but a man, I am a complicated person lol), and within 6 months, I was able to achieve all the markers of deeper, enmeshed, "chosen family" friendship with him. This is what made me realize that friendship is not an appropriate vessel for "chosen family." Friendship can no longer contain the true closeness and obligation monopolized by biological family. When all the lonely, exhausted married moms I know (because I'm 40 and that's most of my peers) complain about desperately wanting friends, I now know it's not that they are saying they want friends (even if that's what they are superficially saying). What they are really saying is, "I wish I were free of societal and family obligations so that I could invest in more nourishing relationships with peers, but I'm also not willing to give up some of the social and family obligations because it would cause too much friction and because I get too many benefits." It's lamenting that they hate the system ("abolish the nuclear family") but are still willing to accept its benefits.
There is harm to the larger trans and queer communities that straight and queer trans women are so segregated from each other. I've long joked "Where are the straight trans women?" My wife agrees. She recently became friends with a straight trans woman because they grew up in the same small town and had FFS with the same surgeon. It was remarkable because it was so rare. I don't know that this same level of segregation happens among straight and queer trans men. I don't blame either group for this segregation, but I do think integrating the community might be beneficial.
It’s true that abandoning monogamy doesn’t solve the problem of marginalized people doing disproportionate labor in households and communities. Polyamorous people need to be more aware of these dynamics
fucking amazing article. as much as I am a poly person, and a anarchist, popular relationship anarchy is highkey fucked up and dangerous.
there is forms that are actually nuanced and not ass but they arent what people are talking about
the type I mean is the idea that “no relationship is prioritized over another” this is often vague and up to individuals but generally it ends up meaning you are completely ignoring how the people in you life rely on you, you dont prioritize commitments, and you ignore how much people in your life give or take.
the individualist anarchist in me is straight ip disgusted this gets called anarchy. suddenly vulnerable people become fucking saints holding up entire systems. people can recognize this in unicorn dynamics but can’t recognize it can exist in so many places.
black women already have it hammered into them that their bodies and labor and loyalty belong to the black community. then that transfers to the rest of their lives
frankly you are right that this set up is worse than the nuclear family, its a fucking commune (special interest for awhile is modern communes / “communities) the community can consume you and then throw you out desolate
people ignore their actual needs and eventually the pressure is always placed on the person most likely to die without connection. frankly this has trickled into all aspects of organizing. for some reason the person thrown away from the community is the most vulnerable
but the moment we need to talk about dan, the dude who will be perfectly fine, its “woah bro, thats hella carceral”. shit, call me the police then.
cohesion is why, a vulnerable person is disposable in that sense. dan provides money and legitimacy. dan makes people comfortable, even if he threw Lilith out a window last week.
Ive also fucked up, hurt my current spouse, over someone who was abuse ing and gaslighting me; iver a relationship that should have never happened had I considered the material situation. and that shit doesnt melt away. fkn scars you and the people youve wronged for life.
but for what people call “relationship anarchy” literally ignores material reality and the individual.
seriously, I think we need to leave it to die.
im usual critical of your work but I really appreciate your perspective, thank you, it was very insightful. it helps me digest alot of the things ive seen and how i feel.
I long for the queer house that didn’t depend on people being sexually or romantically available. I know this is romanticization, they also had their issues, but its good to know where those feelings come from
This is an utterly brilliant article; your writing is funny, clever, and heartbreaking all at the same time, on top of being razor-sharp insightful. Your observation about the similarities between mid 20th century Neo-Freudian practice and poly-affirming therapy tools and how they can both serve to reinforce misogynistic/transmisogynistic hierarchy is particularly incisive and striking — that argument alone is so compelling and new that I genuinely believe that you could get it published in a journal if you wanted to (that said, dealing with journal editors can be a huge pain, so I wouldn’t blame you at all if you didn’t). Either way, I really cannot overstate how impressive this essay is as both a piece of scholarship and literature. I have never subscribed to anyone’s substack before, but this article prompted me to immediately subscribe to yours. I am eager to read the rest of your work and I will definitely be recommending this essay to all of my psychologist/therapist colleagues who work with queer clients — if I could wave a magic wand and make it mandatory reading in every graduate level queer couples counseling class, I would without hesitation. Thank you for writing something so important, thoughtful, and honest.
THIS IS IT!!!!!!! THIIIIISSSSS ISSSSSS IT!!! I have both lived this hell and perpetuated this hell and it is HELL I am so grateful you published this. Sheeeeeesh.
The theme of systemic domination of the fems (and white supremacy in general) fits snuggly into the grooves of Western therapy work. From Mary Ainsworth “Strange Situation” https://ayoto.substack.com/p/attachment-theory-is-white-supremacy, the focus from the beginning was on the individual’s attachment response to extreme trauma, not the extreme trauma that was dealt in the first place. Same with Non-Violent Communication, the focus being on the individual to communicate non-violently, not the violence being done to them just because the color of their skin.
a good rule of thumb is if the arrangement is legal in iran (one cis man and three trans women) then its probably not that revolutionary and there is probably just a sleazy man
The specific details of my story are different, but basically yes to all of this. I’ve been a mental load bearer my entire life in my personal and professional relationships, which has led to me being taken advantage of. It’s difficult to extract my status as a queer cis woman of color. The cis part is relevant for me because, well, I grew up believing that this was the role I was always meant to occupy. The role that was modeled for me. Polyamory as described here is the same damn patriarchal system I observed growing up, with extra steps. I’ve always felt some kind of way about people who really lean into the Poly identity. I’ve seen this toxic shit play out in poly arrangements. I’m in an ENM marriage and thankfully have never been expected to clean up after or emotionally invest in my metamours beyond basic greetings and friendliness when they visit.
My brain is screaming "WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE" While reading many of the paragraphs here
“the doll makes her a pour-over because the metamour doesn’t drink drip.” There is much to seethe at in this article but this right here is some fuckass line in the sand shit
That and the precious lactose intolerant metamour who can’t buy her own damn gluten-free almond milk
You make some excellent points, especially about polyamory. If it's so extremely difficult that you're in pain all the time, then nonmonogamy isn't for you. Too many people, in my opinion, are ideologically poly, instead of nonmonogamy fitting their personality/relationship. There's nothing wrong with trying something out, but if you need to process for hours up hours (beyond the normal amount of processing that happens within dyads) or do 1000s of hours of self-help, therapy, and workbooks, then maybe reconsider. However, the leftist ideological underpinnings animating so much of nonmonogamy make it a personal/political failure if someone doesn't thrive in that relationship style. Bullshit.
I want to gently suggest that this analysis misses some nuance by not exploring the ways in which lesbian trans women practice polyamory. Ironically, just like Federici and Friedan, it ignores the complexity brought by the lavender menace. I'm devotedly married to a lesbian trans woman. I'm a butch cis bisexual woman. I know a lot of other couples like us (most nonomonog, but some monog), and they don't typically suffer from the same objectification/gender issues when there isn't a cis man involved.
I see these kinds of relationships between queer people every day in my community. While there are also some insanely toxic and dramatic relationships, too. There are lesbian chasers and abusers, too, obviously.
I know many lesbian/bi trans women who identify on the asexuality spectrum (including my wife and my close friend) who are able to maintain extremely fulling relationships that affirm their (lack of) sexual needs through nonmonogamy. Nonmonogamy for them becomes a vehicle for radical self-acceptance after an adolescence of being forced into heterosexual masculine sexual and social roles.
I am my wife's chosen family - as any spouse is - and I relish in my ability to take care of her. My wife comes from a biological family who rely on her for everything and rarely give support back. She is the competent one, so she is required to give give give. I'm happy that I get to be in an interdependent relationship with my wife where I am able to give her what she needs. One of the things that she needed - and told me from the outset of our relationship - was a relationship where she was not responsible for meeting all of my sexual and social needs. Nonmonogamy was something I was also able to give her (even though I wasn't looking for it). It wasn't a mechanism for extracting labor from her.
My close friend - also trans - is literally a double orphan. She was adopted by an older couple who are now both dead. She is not out to her extremely rural conservative extended family. I consider her a non-sexual part of my polycule, which is just another way of saying chosen family. I went to her mom's funeral, because I wanted to and because I wanted to make she her (new at the time) girlfriend (also poly) could go, too. I made sure that we had a bunch of gender affirming friend/girlfriend time in a nearby city after the brutal experience of having to cosplay her dead-self at the funeral. I sold her my condo below the market value in a private sale so she would have a secure place to live.
I will always take care of her. I feel a deep familial tie toward her. It's not because I'm poly, but because I believe in the power of non-biological kinship. Nonmonogamy just provides a more useful framework for inculcating that closeness, more so than the container of friendship.
In fact, my extremely positive experiences in nonmonogamy have provided the clarity that helps me see how the notion of "chosen family" has failed. Since the advent of love marriages, the role of friendship has been diminished. Chosen family through the container of friendship only works if the friendships replace family that was lost to abuse, death, bigotry, immigration, etc. I've been trying for more than a decade to develop deep friendships like the one I have with my college best friend (who I talk to 5-10x/wk on the phone). However, my newer friends - instead of deepening our relationship - would marginalize me over time, usually because their obligations to bio family increase as they move through the life stages (or as I call it, "The Escalator of Heterosexual Achievement"). Chosen family probably also worked for queer people of an older generation because they were also denied the nuclear family.
I met my other serious partner (also trans, but a man, I am a complicated person lol), and within 6 months, I was able to achieve all the markers of deeper, enmeshed, "chosen family" friendship with him. This is what made me realize that friendship is not an appropriate vessel for "chosen family." Friendship can no longer contain the true closeness and obligation monopolized by biological family. When all the lonely, exhausted married moms I know (because I'm 40 and that's most of my peers) complain about desperately wanting friends, I now know it's not that they are saying they want friends (even if that's what they are superficially saying). What they are really saying is, "I wish I were free of societal and family obligations so that I could invest in more nourishing relationships with peers, but I'm also not willing to give up some of the social and family obligations because it would cause too much friction and because I get too many benefits." It's lamenting that they hate the system ("abolish the nuclear family") but are still willing to accept its benefits.
There is harm to the larger trans and queer communities that straight and queer trans women are so segregated from each other. I've long joked "Where are the straight trans women?" My wife agrees. She recently became friends with a straight trans woman because they grew up in the same small town and had FFS with the same surgeon. It was remarkable because it was so rare. I don't know that this same level of segregation happens among straight and queer trans men. I don't blame either group for this segregation, but I do think integrating the community might be beneficial.
thou shalt be commanded to enjoy pleasure, at gunpoint and under duress of incarceration. enjoy thine self! give in to the Pleasure!!
It’s true that abandoning monogamy doesn’t solve the problem of marginalized people doing disproportionate labor in households and communities. Polyamorous people need to be more aware of these dynamics
fucking amazing article. as much as I am a poly person, and a anarchist, popular relationship anarchy is highkey fucked up and dangerous.
there is forms that are actually nuanced and not ass but they arent what people are talking about
the type I mean is the idea that “no relationship is prioritized over another” this is often vague and up to individuals but generally it ends up meaning you are completely ignoring how the people in you life rely on you, you dont prioritize commitments, and you ignore how much people in your life give or take.
the individualist anarchist in me is straight ip disgusted this gets called anarchy. suddenly vulnerable people become fucking saints holding up entire systems. people can recognize this in unicorn dynamics but can’t recognize it can exist in so many places.
black women already have it hammered into them that their bodies and labor and loyalty belong to the black community. then that transfers to the rest of their lives
frankly you are right that this set up is worse than the nuclear family, its a fucking commune (special interest for awhile is modern communes / “communities) the community can consume you and then throw you out desolate
people ignore their actual needs and eventually the pressure is always placed on the person most likely to die without connection. frankly this has trickled into all aspects of organizing. for some reason the person thrown away from the community is the most vulnerable
but the moment we need to talk about dan, the dude who will be perfectly fine, its “woah bro, thats hella carceral”. shit, call me the police then.
cohesion is why, a vulnerable person is disposable in that sense. dan provides money and legitimacy. dan makes people comfortable, even if he threw Lilith out a window last week.
Ive also fucked up, hurt my current spouse, over someone who was abuse ing and gaslighting me; iver a relationship that should have never happened had I considered the material situation. and that shit doesnt melt away. fkn scars you and the people youve wronged for life.
but for what people call “relationship anarchy” literally ignores material reality and the individual.
seriously, I think we need to leave it to die.
im usual critical of your work but I really appreciate your perspective, thank you, it was very insightful. it helps me digest alot of the things ive seen and how i feel.
I long for the queer house that didn’t depend on people being sexually or romantically available. I know this is romanticization, they also had their issues, but its good to know where those feelings come from
I feel like I got hit bit a bag bricks multiple times when reading through this, thank you Tara
“who will sit her down and explain to her, in the patient voice of people who think they have transcended an attachment style” 😮💨😮💨😮💨
This is an utterly brilliant article; your writing is funny, clever, and heartbreaking all at the same time, on top of being razor-sharp insightful. Your observation about the similarities between mid 20th century Neo-Freudian practice and poly-affirming therapy tools and how they can both serve to reinforce misogynistic/transmisogynistic hierarchy is particularly incisive and striking — that argument alone is so compelling and new that I genuinely believe that you could get it published in a journal if you wanted to (that said, dealing with journal editors can be a huge pain, so I wouldn’t blame you at all if you didn’t). Either way, I really cannot overstate how impressive this essay is as both a piece of scholarship and literature. I have never subscribed to anyone’s substack before, but this article prompted me to immediately subscribe to yours. I am eager to read the rest of your work and I will definitely be recommending this essay to all of my psychologist/therapist colleagues who work with queer clients — if I could wave a magic wand and make it mandatory reading in every graduate level queer couples counseling class, I would without hesitation. Thank you for writing something so important, thoughtful, and honest.
THIS IS IT!!!!!!! THIIIIISSSSS ISSSSSS IT!!! I have both lived this hell and perpetuated this hell and it is HELL I am so grateful you published this. Sheeeeeesh.
The theme of systemic domination of the fems (and white supremacy in general) fits snuggly into the grooves of Western therapy work. From Mary Ainsworth “Strange Situation” https://ayoto.substack.com/p/attachment-theory-is-white-supremacy, the focus from the beginning was on the individual’s attachment response to extreme trauma, not the extreme trauma that was dealt in the first place. Same with Non-Violent Communication, the focus being on the individual to communicate non-violently, not the violence being done to them just because the color of their skin.
a good rule of thumb is if the arrangement is legal in iran (one cis man and three trans women) then its probably not that revolutionary and there is probably just a sleazy man
The specific details of my story are different, but basically yes to all of this. I’ve been a mental load bearer my entire life in my personal and professional relationships, which has led to me being taken advantage of. It’s difficult to extract my status as a queer cis woman of color. The cis part is relevant for me because, well, I grew up believing that this was the role I was always meant to occupy. The role that was modeled for me. Polyamory as described here is the same damn patriarchal system I observed growing up, with extra steps. I’ve always felt some kind of way about people who really lean into the Poly identity. I’ve seen this toxic shit play out in poly arrangements. I’m in an ENM marriage and thankfully have never been expected to clean up after or emotionally invest in my metamours beyond basic greetings and friendliness when they visit.
Incredible article. Thank you!
amazing amazing article. everyone in a financial position to learn humility and self awareness should lock tf in and learn it!!!!